


I Will Never Believe in Anything Again (Though Change Will Come)

by brieflybe



Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: M/M, Mentions of Character Death, mentions of depression, mentions of suiside, reposted from a different pseudonym
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-11
Updated: 2015-10-11
Packaged: 2018-04-25 22:30:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4979056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brieflybe/pseuds/brieflybe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He knows Simon isn't telling him something. He knows. He knows it's something bad. But he doesn't want the guilt; he doesn't want to find out that Simon did something unforgivable (though Simon looks at him as if he is the only thing that is worth his attention, and he behaves like that, too, Simon digs his fingers into Kieren's skin and rolls his eyes when Kieren goes for a routine check-up at the doctor's, and it's going to be alright, Kieren thinks. It will be so easy to forgive).</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Will Never Believe in Anything Again (Though Change Will Come)

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was translated from Hebrew by the amazing lettiesocean. That's her tumblr: http://lettiesocean.tumblr.com

Sometimes, he dreams of Simon as the prince who came to rescue him from the water castle. Amy called him "my knight in shining armor" once, and Kieren didn't agree with her as much as he understood her. Simon spoke like a religious leader and cared for you with compassion, made you feel special. Kieren grew up in a god-fearing town. He grew up with a minister that urged and encouraged and bewitched the faith for persecution. He knows how it works. He saw the brain-washing. And the leader always believes what he's preaching – and no one ever looks for logic. No one ever looks at the reality to find the truth. Simon's supporters acted as if he saved them from themselves, like he led them from slavery to freedom, and Kieren thinks – well, they had that spark in their eyes. They definitely looked more alive. But they didn't look any freer. And Simon doesn't look free, either.

Sometimes, he dreams that he's surrounded by darkness, lying in a ditch, six feet under, and Simon's voice is the only thing that can lead him out; Simon's hand lifts him off the ground. Simon looks at him like you look at an omen that came from above, and Kieren wants to know what he's thinking, and decides he's too afraid, but not enough as to would tell Simon to stop looking.

He knows that Simon, for a change, would have been willing to give up and walk away (and maybe this is Simon now. Maybe he decided that as opposed to Gary's knife, Amy's shadow is what he should be running away from, or maybe he lost his faith in something), and he knows Simon is here because of him. He knows, because he has no supporters any more. The undead that were following him – well, they were following him like zombies – look away when he comes near. He doesn't have any speeches to give or a plan to speak of, and he doesn't have an Amy, an angel with wavy dresses and flowers in her hair. He doesn't have a purpose, unless he's with Kieren, and Simon's uprising is now his own personal rebellion.

Sometimes, he dreams that Simon is human, like Amy was, some kind of a hybrid with blood in his veins but not in his cheeks, and the bullet makes blood burst through the hole in his shoulder. Simon didn't save Kieren from the castle he was captured in; it was more of a group effort, really – Amy made him smile and think of the sun that showed up every once in a while, in August, and Jem made him want to be himself again, to be – not human: someone with a soul, someone with color in his eyes and wind beneath his wings. The person who made him open the door and run amok, well, that was actually Rick. And maybe Kieren would have been better off otherwise, but it's not like he had a choice

(Because he thought, for a moment, that maybe. He thought of a second chance, and rebirth, and that cliché quote from The Princess Bride. It didn't work out, and it only proved that they always would have been over that way, maybe, with Bill Macey and his knife in the back of one of their heads. Bill Macey and his fanatical faith in a brave new world that didn't include Kieren at all. Kieren is here, now, and Bill Macey isn't, and it could have been a victory, if Rick was here. But Rick isn't here. And – well, Rick and Simon probably wouldn't have gotten along.)

Simon didn't make Kieren stop being invisible (God knows he wasn't) but he gave Kieren his own version of a Metal mix cd. He made him stop wanting to.

*

Rick used to come and visit Kieren after he went on dates with Vicky. His lips were redder and he smelled like a Versace perfume, and his kisses meant "I'm sorry". Kieren hated to remember that he had something to forgive. It was okay, eventually. He knew the situation and he knew Bill Macey and he did not expect anything Rick wasn't able to give him, and it was easy to forgive, because Rick used to smile at him in a very special way and say that Kieren was the only person on earth that he can really talk to. (Years later, Simon's fingers would play with Kieren's palm and he would say: everyone in this world are pointless except for you – I think, and Kieren's throat would feel, again, as if it was closing up). Rick's guilt was an element in their relationship. He can't cheat on Kieren if it's not considered cheating and he can't ignore Kieren if Kieren doesn't try to talk to him and he can't love anyone else if he's modeling for Kieren's art and kisses him and hands him paint to write over the cave's wall and he can't be with Kieren if he's gone, he can't be here if he's dead, and that's how they finished it off, and that's what left. 

Simon's guilt is a new element. It encompasses Simon like bats and makes him look behind his shoulder, makes him walk in small steps upon the earth. Kieren knows he wasn't done with the escape plan. He knows Simon is walking around in circles. That he has contacts and mousse in colors that are not theirs. That he would tear England from its roots if he thought it right that Kieren should get out of there and there was no other way. He knows Simon's supporters keep looking for Rising stories, because one of them turned to him, and Kieren said no, and Simon… Kieren isn’t sure how but he went pale, and later he cornered Kieren against the wall and put one hand above his shoulder and said, "You need a new Rising story, okay?" Kieren opened his mouth to protest, and Simon kissed him, short and determined, and put his forehead against Kieren's. "Okay?" and Kieren isn't an idiot. Kieren knows what Maxine Martin wanted. He knows that unrealistic beliefs don't come from nowhere. Unrealistic beliefs come from a priest, come from a prophet. He knows they're looking for – something. Someone. He tries not to think about it. He really just wants quiet, he wants to walk around his town and paint the people he loves and talk to Jem when the telly is on in the background and for his dad to stop feeling like if he lets go, even for one minute, Kieren will disappear. He and Simon visit Amy's grave once a week and it is impossible not think of how breached this cemetery is, and how the empty graves call upon their dead to come back, and Kieren – he mostly wants Amy back, but beyond that – he wants to feel that they're not falling like domino bricks.

He knows Simon isn't telling him something. He knows. He knows it's something bad. But he doesn't want the guilt; he doesn't want to find out that Simon did something unforgivable (though Simon looks at him as if he is the only thing that is worth his attention, and he behaves like that, too, Simon digs his fingers into Kieren's skin and rolls his eyes when Kieren goes for a routine check-up at the doctor's, and it's going to be alright, Kieren thinks. It will be so easy to forgive). He doesn't want to declare war on the world after he stopped fighting with himself.

*

Of course, Simon is an idiot and he's insane and insufferable, so he asks anyway.

"What they're doing – questioning people about their Rising stories. That's what you used to do, right?"

Simon arches his eyebrows. "Who is 'they'?" Simon knows how to play innocent in this serious way, like he's not avoiding a question but bringing up a philosophical issue, and sometimes Kieren wants to shake him.

"Simon."

Simon shrugs. "Yes, I guess. I suppose they connected with the process."

Kieren is too tired for this conversation. He will always be too tired for this conversation. "No, not true. They're investigating. They're looking for something. That's why you asked me to change my story. I'm not an idiot, Simon. I can understand what's going on around me –"

"No one says you're an idiot, Kieren –"

"So don't treat me like one." his voice goes up an octave, gets that harsh tone that Kieren and everyone who ever experienced the pleasure of one of his tantrums know and love. He forces himself to calm down. His tantrums – well, they tend to achieve their goal lately. Simon's eyebrows contract, and he's looking at Kieren in a certain way, and it seems to him like Simon loves to be surprised, like he loves seeing Kieren fight. "Just, tell me that wasn't your mission." And when Simon keeps his silence – "you know, the mission that Amy came back for. Promise me it's really some Zombies Anonymous bullshit, and that you don't have some goal. Like – like a second rising, like Maxine Martin had."

Simon bites his lower lip, and in that moment, Kieren is tired of him. "There's no plural 'you' anymore, Kieren." He finally says, and steps forward, raises his hand to touch Kieren's face. "You know that. You're not an idiot."

Kieren closes his eyes. Opens them. Simon is incredibly close, right now, and if they were alive, Simon would have been absorbing his body heat and hearing his heartbeat. He lets him stay where he is. "I trust you," he says quietly, and he knows that's not the solution, but at least he thinks it's not part of the problem. Because Simon hated him, but he put the keys back in their place. Simon jumped in front of a bullet for him and then walked around with that bullet in his shoulder like it's a completely normal thing to do (he's still wearing his coat, because he's an idiot and he's apathetic and homeless, and when Kieren hugs him he fiddles with the place where the bullet passed through with his fingers.) "Can you promise me –" he swallows hard. "That they're not as crazy as she was? They're not going to kill another person over, over whatever it is –"

Simon looks incredibly serious right now, and he puts up his other arm and tightens his fingers around Kieren's elbow (Kieren is never sure if the closeness is part of the convincing process. If it's meant to calm down Simon or Kieren.) "They're not going to kill anyone."

And it doesn't sound reliable just because – well, someone usually kills someone eventually, in those kinds of situations, in this town. Someone is always made a sacrifice or gets killed in the clashes. But Amy wouldn't have done that. Amy wouldn't have taken a part in that. And Simon's grip of Kieren is strong enough to hurt and his eyes are burning and it seems like Simon's hands are shaking, but maybe those are Kieren's hands, and it seems to him like Simon wants quiet just as much as he does. That he wants justice just as much as he does. And maybe it's the closeness. Maybe he just can't think right. But he trusts Simon. He really does.

"I'm so –" he stars, trying to find the words. "I'll be so angry," he blurts out, and then, "no, I don't know. It can't happen again. It can't."

Simon nods his head. "I know, Kieren. Believe me." And then, when Kieren calms down, let's himself go inside Simon's grip, he adds, a little softly: "can I kiss you already? You talk so much." And Kieren doesn't have any idea why he's even in touch with him.

He can push. He can say, But you used to be part of them. You must have believed in what they believe in. You must have wanted it. He can say, So what changed your mind? He can say, I know you came to this town for a reason, and not just to annoy me. He can say, simply, I know you're hiding something. Just tell me.

He can, but he chooses not to, right now. He lets Simon kiss him, and then he holds his hand. He smiles kind of a half-smile, leads him to the bed and lies beside him.

Simon stares at his ceiling, and Kieren sighs. "Can you stop looking for the meaning of life in my lampshade?" he's warns.

Simon arches his eyebrows. "I can't find the meaning of life in the Undead Prophet, I can't find it in the lampshade, there's no limit to your demands."

Kieren rolls his eyes so hard that if he had contacts, they wouldn't have survived it. And then there's silence, and Kieren feels uncomfortable in it. He considers putting his head on Simon's chest, or getting up and locking the door and –

He tilts his head aside, so it's barely on Simon's shoulder, and murmurs, "I'm just waiting for the next bad thing, you know." He can say, And logic says it'll be about you. "I can't stop thinking – this quiet can't last forever. And it always ends up badly."

"You're calling this quiet?"

Kieren can say it, but he doesn't say. He trusts Simon not to die and he trusts him not to leave and he trusts him not to hurt the innocent. He chuckles. "You should have jumped in when Bill Macey was here."

The look on Simon's face becomes unpleasant, but in a way Kieren can relate to. "Oh, I would have loved to."

He can say, I also trusted Jem, and she – but he doesn't say it, because it's unfair, and because it was an accident, and because Gary put ideas in her – it all starts with brainwash. Everything.

He can say, My parents trusted me, and five years later they're stuck with a zombie as a son. But his guilt isn't Simon's guilt. His guilt is something else. And there has to be some sort of separation, or it will convict all of the people and the entire world and no one will be left for him, and he will be alone again.

It's just a really bad idea, so he doesn't say any of it. He elbows Simon instead, and starts talking about a coffee shop in a nearby town that is willing to exhibit some of his paintings, and – "So I thought about it, and I'm going to live for so long. You know how long I'll have for my art to deteriorate? I mean, what if I'm at my peak, and it's all going downhill from here, and for the next one hundred years I'll just become worse, and worse and worse…"

He can say a lot of things, but Simon silences him with a kisses, so for now he closes his eyes, clasps Simon's shirt in his hands, and let's go of them.

**Author's Note:**

> While it seems as if the fic is named after Fall Out Boy's song "(Coffee's For Closers)", this fic, as are all of my fics, is in fact named Yael.   
> You can find me on tumblr right [here!](http://briefly-be.tumblr.com/)


End file.
